I love coming to work every day. That’s a big sentence. Not everybody is that lucky, but it’s the truth; I look forward to doing my job, chatting with my coworkers, and spending the day at the office.
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I always thought it would be cool to work in a big office building, writing stories and jetsetting across town a la “Sex and the City.” It’s not NYC, but the RiverBender office is the tallest building in Alton. So I’m pretty satisfied.
However.
We tend to have pets — or should I say pests. Not every day, but maybe once every three months, I will walk into the office at the too-early time of 7:45 a.m. and discover that a loose bird has wreaked havoc on our breakroom.
Where are they coming from???? This is a question we’ve pondered for months now. I suppose it doesn’t matter where they come from; the real quandary is what the hell to do with them once they’ve arrived.
So far, my office mates and I have stared in horror as the birds (multiple birds, but always one at a time, fortunately; small mercies) fly in panic around the room, banging into the windows that are sealed shut, excrementing all over the place.
It’s disgusting. It’s also lowkey a little funny. Not that the birds are upset, obviously; that’s horrific and sad. But the chaos, the stares my coworkers and I exchange as the birds twitter and hop around, our shrieks when they land at our spots at the lunch table — you’ve gotta find the humor where you can, you know?
Anyway, that’s a little insight into the behind-the-scenes fun of the RiverBender office. We have birds sometimes, and we have to shoo them out, and it’s a bizarre experience.
But nothing could have prepared me for last week’s bird escapade: the day I had to catch the bird myself.
I admit, I’m a bit of a coward. I generally leave the bird-catching to my coworker Mike while I stand there and duck and guard the hallway entrance so the bird doesn’t make its way into the offices themselves. But this time, it was my turn to play Catch The Bird.
I started by trying to gently corner the bird. “Gently” is the name of the game. I mean, this bird was panicked, and I felt terrible for it. But the fact of the matter is that we had to get it out. So, cue gentle cornering.
As always, I tried to be a positive presence. “Come here, buddy,” I murmured while the bird banged its body into the glass windows again and again. “It’s okay, I’m here to help you,” I promised as I gesticulated wildly in an attempt to snatch it out of midair.
The poor bird (a starling, if you were curious — huge bird) tired itself out quickly, flying the length of the room and hopping behind filing cabinets and trying again and again to exit out the sealed window. If only we could open those windows! It was panting. I felt horrible for it. I didn’t know what else to do except, when it finally landed in a corner, to grab it.
Gently!!!! All of this was done with utmost care. I held onto it firmly but not squeezing; its feathers were figuratively ruffled but literally smoothed down and tucked neatly into its wings.
But the poor baby’s heart was thrumming against my fingers as I carried it downstairs and through the door to the coveted outside. I opened my hands and whoosh, the bird was gone, flying into the blue morning sky where it belonged.
Now, let’s reflect. I decided to reflect while thoroughly washing my hands. I have a deep connection to this bird now. I care for it very much and wish it all the best. But I’m also thankful (and it probably feels the same way) that it no longer lives in our office. Workplace hazards, etc. I enjoy going to work, but this bird is probably pleased it remains unemployed.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, after all.
All of this to say, I don’t recommend catching birds. Do what you must — and I did, as there was literally no other option to get it outside — but generally speaking, let’s leave these feathered friends to the sky.
And please don’t yell at me for holding the bird. I didn’t know what else to do. That was NOT how I wanted to start my day. The bird and I were equally annoyed by its (gentle!!!!!!!!) handling.
So, all that being said: If anyone wants to volunteer to survey our building and figure out where these birds are coming from, let us know. I certainly wouldn’t squawk at that.
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